Reader Recommendations: The Vanquisher

Last week Jim brought me a DVD called “The Vanquisher” and told me his friend Jed insisted that I watch this wonderful movie. Only two things come to mind when someone recommends me to watch this movie. 1) It is car related. 2) It is the worst movie they have seen. And no, this is not a car movie. Jed, what did I do to you to deserve this? See what I thought after this jump.

This is normally the part of the blog I retell the story of the movie. Too bad I did not know what the fruitcake was going on. The pacing of the movie was so bad; it felt the movie was missing scenes. But what I did get from the movie is: some lady by the name of Gunja is a CIA agent reveals information to her people about spy’s in her village. This angers the other CIA’s who are now ordered to kill her. After she defeats them, she hides for a while. When she does remerge, she is forced to fight off her old foes and stop a bomb from blowing up her city. Well I think this is what happens, not too sure.

So yes, this is a foreign movie and yes the dubbing is pretty terrible. But even compared to other dubbed Thai movies, this has to be the worst. And I think this has to do with the terrible English script. Besides the obvious bad choice of words and laughable grammar, the execution is just plain bad. There was a scene between two characters who were talking to each other with no one else around. And for some reason, they needed to say each other’s name every sentence. Just think about how annoying that could get.

Joe: Hey Jack, how was your day?

Jack: My day went okay, yours Joe?

Joe: Just terrible Jack, my duck chocked on an eraser!

Jack: Is he alright Joe?

Joe: The doctor said he’ll be fine, don’t you worry Jack.

Picture that, but for 10 long minutes.

Challenge: Defeat 5 armored men with assault rifles and a Harlot.

But you know what, I’ll excuse them for the acting and dubbing, it is not entirely their fault. But you know what is their fault? How about the worst action choreography in the world! I’ve seen my 5 year old cousin act out more serious and believable fight sequences, and he is fighting an imaginary enemy. I am not exaggerating when I say, if they swapped the fight scenes with two “wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tubeman” with swords taped to their wacky inflatable arm (best done when arms are not waving and flailing) I would not have been able to tell the difference. Oh and the over use of speed ramping and bullet time. Get with the times, Max Payne came 10 years ago, yeah you all feel old now.

This reminds me of E.T, not sure why.

Thank god this movie was only 92 minutes long, because if it lasted any longer I don’t know if I could have taken it. This might be the worse movie I have seen this year and the worst part is that I didn’t find any part of this movie fun or funny. Usually these terrible movies have this certain “je ne sais quoi” in which I can find humorous and laugh to my heart’s content. The Vanquisher has none of that. This is not a B-list movie, not even a D-list movie. I file it under S-list as in “Shit this movie sucks more than me playing 1v1 on StarCraft”.

The last thing I want to mention is the amazingly ‘hot’ scene when Gunja is unzipping her leather suit and the camera focus’ on her cleavage for a good 30 seconds. I know this scene was supposed to awaken the demon, but the movie is so terrible you could use this scene as a contraceptive method.

Not sure how to end this, uhh. This movie stinks, please avoid it with all cost and don’t mind me I am just going to catch the last few minutes of the Bruins vs Lighting game.