I went hysterical with The Room (2003)

I usually don’t do house calls for movies, but today @sepictor and I got together and watched “The Room”. It all started when I was told to watch this movie for its sheer terribleness. It was popular for being the worst movie ever. But there was no way anyone would want to see this movie by themselves. That is why I watched this movie with a man foolish enough to see this too. I’m not entirely sure how to write a review on the worst movie in the world, but here I go.

Here is where I usually write up a short synopsis of the story, too bad this movie is so incoherent and filled with so many plot holes I wasn’t entirely sure what actually happened in this movie. We have Johnny (Tommy Wiseau) who is soon to marry his beautiful fiancée Lisa. But Lisa gets bored of her 5 to 7 year relationship with Tommy, and decides to only way to satisfy her needs is to sleep around. So she cheats on Johnny with his best friend Mark. Mark tries to resist the temptation but is overcome by the pressure and sleeps with Lisa. But this isn’t the first time, I think. Or maybe it is, I don’t know the dialogue changes its mind several times. How will Johnny react to his fiancé cheating on him with his best friend? All I know is, I have Jerry Springer on hold for when this all blows apart.

Let's play football in our tux, it's so comfortable!

If that story didn’t confuse/bore/annoy the hell out of you, the dialogue will surely get you. It is the most redundant, awkward and mind numbing script I've ever heard. If I took a drink for every time they used “Don’t worry about it”, “I don’t want to talk about it” and “future husband/wife” (instead of fiancé(e)). My stomach would need pumping 30 minutes into the movie. Why do they have this weird fascination of greeting each other with “Oh hi ____”, WHY DO THEY KEEP SAYING EACH OTHERS NAMES?! And the amazing ability to change topics of conversation on the fly is immaculate. The characters can be talking about Claudette’s (Lisa’s mom) breast cancer and then immediately switch over to why Johnny is such a good man. And they never ever talk about her cancer again. Also note that a lot of the dialogue is dubbed in post-production. This wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so obvious. It made martial art movies seem flawless.

Oh and if you want to talk about plot holes. There is a whole scene where Denny is in trouble by a drug dealer because he doesn’t have the money he owes. After he gets in trouble and yelled at, they never go back to it. It is like it never happened at all. And the wedding that is scheduled in a month; problem is that there is a scene where Johnny and his friends are dressed up in Tux’s and talk about the wedding. So I only assumed a wedding scene would follow, but nope they go and toss a football around. There is some reason, they toss around a football a lot in this movie. During deep 1 on 1 conversation to playful chatter. I might have counted nearly 5 or 6 scenes with football tossing.

Mark and Johnny get into some real deep talks. Always starting with, "Oh hi Mark".

Sadly this isn’t even the most disturbing part. The movie starts off as if it was softcore porn. In the span of the first 25 minutes of the movie, there are three sex scenes 5 minutes in length. And they aren’t even fap worthy. They are as passionate as a grade 6 school dance, and talk about disgusting. There are more clips of Johnny’s thrusting butt than I would like to see. After that, there is almost no more sex scenes except for one where Michelle (a friend of Lisa) goes down on her boyfriend … wait for it … IN JOHNNY’S HOUSE.

This leads me to the next bizarre part of this movie. There are only 5 locations they shoot at. Johnny’s bedroom, living room, roof, a restaurant and a corner store. And here is something interesting, these "segues" are usually just a shot of the golden gate bridge. We get it, they live in San Francisco. This isn’t an episode of Full House where we need to see it every 5 minutes. Also, I never exactly knew which room the title of the movie refers to.

Lisa is truly unimpressed with the quality of this film.

I’ll be frank with you guys, I knew this movie was bad going into it and it is as bad as I thought. But I was glad I got to see this with a friend, made the experience a lot more enjoyable. I think everyone should go see this movie. It is terrible and has no real good qualities. But all the laughs I got while watching this abysmal movie was thoroughly enjoyable. I don’t think I was ever bored, but it is so hard to wrap your head around how a movie this bad can be made. And if you do choose to go see this movie, good luck and have fun. And be sure to have alcohol.

On a side note, @septicor has a new blog up. He is trying to take mine and Jim's job away by reviewing movies. But that is not all; he has a few other tricks up his sleeve. Check him out at: www.septicor.com

Now here are some clips of the flick you should all check out:

"You are tearing me apart!"

"Flour shop scene."

"Oh Hi Mark."