Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

After Jim’s review of “The Ring” I decided to check out horror movie that Jim kindly let me borrow months ago that I finally got around to watching it, called "Thir13en Ghosts". I was also nearing my bandwidth cap so no more Netflix for a while, had to resort to early 2000’s technology with a DVD. Yep, they still exist. But what is more terrifying than ancient technology? Find out after the jump.

The movie starts off by witnessing the after maths of a terrible house fire. Kathy and Bobby are left motherless, and their dad, Arthur (Tony Shalhoub), cannot afford basic necessities to live a decent life. But all turns to gold when his Uncle Cyrus dies and they inherit his property and wealth. They soon discover the glass house to be haunted with 12 ghosts, who are spell bound to their ‘cells’. Both Kathy and Bobby have gone missing and Tony is left with Kalina, a ghost right activist and her nemesis Dennis (Matthew Lillard) who is a ghost hunter. They need to find the kids and escape the house before it is all too late.

The Hammer is one nifty ghost.

Problem number one with this b-list movie: There is absolutely no suspense here. This really sucks because when the ghosts come out to play, the scary factor falls right on its face. This” horror” movie does not at all give me the “heebie jeepies” at all. Which is disappointed because the actual ghost look pretty darn scary. The make-up and character designs were impressive to say the least. I especially liked “The Hammer”. He was a big mean motherfucker with nails all in him, kind of like the monster from “Hellraiser”.

Problem number two with this b-list movie: the dialogue. It is wrong in so many ways. There is no need for half of the script; they just did it to fill in the silence of the movie. Actually come to think about it, if they were silent a bit more, it would have been a bit more suspenseful. Too bad the only black female character filled out every ‘Hollywood stereotype’. She was loud, annoying and full of attitude. I actually thought she was going to die first … glad I was wrong. But speaking of things I ACTUALLY predicted…

Why doesn't Adrian Monk just solve his way out?

Problem number three with this b-list movie: it was as predictable as mullets in NASCAR. I won’t lie to you, but I was pointing out series of events that didn’t come up for 30 minutes. I predicted a bunch of key moments of this movie that I would rather not spoil for the few that might want to see this movie. And I guess this leads back to my first problem, there is no buildup or suspense.

Let me give you the short version of what I thought. It sucked, sucked hard. Besides the cool ghost designs, and somewhat interesting idea, there is nothing compelling about “Thirteen Ghosts”. It was bland, very monotonous, and extremely linear. I wished they threw in a few M. Night Shyamalan twist to keep me awake. But no, none of that is in here.

Side note: Even though I labelled this a "Thriller" genre, it really isn't thrilling at all.